If you’ve been following my journey so far, you will know I self-diagnosed myself with a binge eating disorder. Since then, I’ve been trying to focus more on what triggers my binge/emotional eating and have been working on feeling more confident about my body as it is now.
I was on a roll for a couple of months but, as with anything, the hurdles came and I’ve really been struggling these last few weeks.
In an attempt to go back to basics, I thought it would be really useful to complete a 30-day emotional eating journal to look at the bigger picture. I figured I’m not alone in this so I hope some of you can relate to what I’m going through or even find it useful.
What is your biggest barrier to weight loss and why?
My biggest barrier to weight loss is staying motivated for a prolonged period of time. Honestly, I can’t say why this is as I really don’t know. I get along fine for a few weeks, even months, with virtually no cravings for bad food but then I always hit a wall. It’s not because I deprive myself of the food I love, as I’ve now mastered the fakeaways or low syn options for my favourite foods. I think I get complacent then end up ‘treating myself’ with a takeaway or meal out. This seems to trigger a binge of alllllll the bad food I haven’t had and it’s then so hard to break that.
What do you want out of life and how do you make sure you get it?
It sounds very cliche but the one thing I want the most out of life is happiness. I have spent so many years trying to please other people and afraid to put myself first. I stayed in a dead-end marriage for far too long as I was afraid of upsetting people. I’ve put these ideals in my head of how I need to dress or how I need to look or how much weight I need to loose to be accepted in society, but this wasn’t necessarily what I wanted.
I’m now working on doing things for myself without worrying about what people will think. I am in an amazing, supportive relationship and am surrounded by some incredible people, so that’s all that truly matters.
What is your relationship with food like?
I think I’ve always had a negative relationship with food. I remember as a child, if I was going to the shop I would beg for money to buy some sweets and I would choose what I wanted based on what would give me the most amount. I wouldn’t get one thing, I’d have to get as many little sweets as my 50p would allow. Going through school I would obsess over what I’d spend my lunch money on and I’d spend my wages from my weekend job on portions of chips on the way home or a share bag of chocolates that I’d smuggle in my handbag. I also was very secretive over what I ate, which I think was down to guilt. My parents always encouraged healthy eating and cooked well for us, so I’d eat that and then I’d shut myself in my room where I’d eat the snacks I’d bought.
When I moved out of my parent’s house at 18, and had a new lease of freedom, this is when things really spiralled. My then soon-to-be-husband and I would stock up on crisps, chocolate and full-fat fizzy drinks. We would usually get takeaways but when we did occasionally cook it would be fatty, beige dinners such as oven pizza or curries using pre-made sauces from a jar.
Whilst my relationship with food still isn’t perfect, it’s something I am keen to continue working on. I am now much more confident in the kitchen and feel I can whip up a healthy, satisfying dinner out of pretty much anything. We still have the occasional takeaway but things are definitely getting better…
Dear body, I love you because…
Dear body. I love you because you continue to remain strong despite the abuse I have inflicted on you for so many years. You prove what I am capable of when I am focused and you show me how much of a difference can be made after on a few days of working out or eating well. I love you because you still look beautiful now matter how many times I have told you that you’re not. You have helped me accept who I am and have allowed my to express the new found love for myself. You have continued to fight for me even on the worst days and now it’s my turn to return the favour. Love, me.
This was actually a lot harder to write than I thought it would be. It’s scary how much we cling to an attachment with food and how hard it is to share that in the open.
I’ll share the next three days on Monday and will then probably post my entries weekly. For anyone who wants to take part, I am using an image I found on Pinterest but have adapted it slightly; you can check it out here.
Thanks for reading